Should I choose a male or female therapist? It’s a question many people ask when beginning their search for psychological support. While it may seem like a simple preference, this decision often reveals something much deeper. From an existential-analytic perspective, the choice can reflect hidden relational patterns, unconscious beliefs, or unresolved emotional needs.
What Does It Mean to Choose a Male or Female Therapist?
You may feel drawn to a female therapist because you imagine she’ll be more nurturing, gentle, or understanding—a kind of “good mummy” figure. On the other hand, you might prefer a male therapist, hoping for strength, clarity, or protection—a “good daddy” to guide you.
These associations aren’t wrong or shameful. In fact, they often point to early attachment patterns and unmet emotional needs. As Freud’s concept of transference explains, we unconsciously assign familiar roles to people in our lives, including therapists.
Therefore, this choice may reveal more about your inner world than you initially realise.
Should I Choose Based on Comfort or Emotional Avoidance?
At this point, a deeper question arises: Are you choosing what you truly need, or avoiding something you fear?
For instance, selecting a female therapist because men have hurt you might make you feel safe. However, is it also a way of avoiding the challenge of rebuilding trust in the masculine?
Similarly, choosing a male therapist because you want direct guidance might seem practical. Yet, it could also reflect a desire to hand over responsibility rather than explore your own agency.
When wondering should I choose a male or female therapist, it helps to slow down and consider whether your preference is a reflection of past wounds, or an invitation for healing.
How Therapy Reflects Our Gendered Assumptions
Therapy is one of the few places where unconscious patterns become visible. While your therapist is not your parent, the therapeutic relationship may evoke emotions that resonate with earlier dynamics. These moments can become opportunities for insight and change.
Furthermore, research confirms the importance of the therapeutic alliance. According to Norcross & Lambert (2019), the strength of the client-therapist relationship is one of the most consistent predictors of positive therapy outcomes.
Consequently, the question of gender preference becomes less about correctness and more about curiosity and meaning.
Gender in Therapy: Do I Need a Male or Female Therapist?
In many cases, gender preferences are shaped by societal norms and internalised beliefs. Studies such as Mahalik et al. (2003) show that clients often project stereotypical gender roles into therapy, expecting women to be nurturing and men to be authoritative.
Nevertheless, existential therapy doesn’t pathologise these assumptions. Instead, it opens a space to reflect on them. As Mick Cooper (2003) explains, existential practice is about helping clients make sense of life in the face of uncertainty and limitation, including their relationship choices.
Rather than asking “Is this the right decision?”, existential therapy asks, “What does this decision mean to you?”
Final Reflection: Should I Choose a Male or Female Therapist?
Ultimately, the key issue is not the therapist’s gender, but your capacity to build trust with them. Can you be open, vulnerable, and curious with this person? Can you explore difficult material together, not just when it’s comfortable, but also when it’s challenging?
Whether your therapist is male, female, or non-binary (UKCP Therapist Directory), the most important factor is the quality of the relationship you form. Through that connection, healing becomes possible.
As Spinelli (2007) reminds us, therapy is not just about techniques—it’s about presence, encounter, and being willing to be seen.
So next time you ask yourself, should I choose a male or female therapist?—pause. Reflect. Ask not just who you’re choosing, but why.
Because that answer might open a door to parts of yourself that have long been waiting to be seen.
