Are you the fixer in relationships—the one who smooths conflict, over-functions, and rescues partners from their own consequences? Through an existential–analytic lens, “fixing” often starts long before dating. We’re shaped by early roles (peacemaker, caretaker), yet we’re also free—and responsible—to choose how we relate now. The question isn’t What’s wrong with them? But how am I living my freedom—authentically or in bad faith—when I feel needed?
Why “are you the fixer in relationships” shows up before dating
We’re “thrown” into families and cultures where love and safety may have depended on being useful. That can create attachment patterns where care equals control or self-erasure (see the APA attachment overview). History is information, not destiny. The live task: turn awareness into new choices.
The fixer’s bargain: relief now, resentment later
Fixing soothes anxiety—yours and theirs. But existential anxiety is a compass, not just an alarm: it signals freedom and uncertainty. When you rush to rescue, you escape the discomfort of not controlling outcomes—and trade it for quiet resentment. Pause and ask: Is this danger, or just the weight of choice? For conflict skills that don’t over-function, see the Gottman Institute.
Boundaries turn love from rescuing into relating
Boundaries are self-definition, not punishment. Decide before you couple how you’ll handle time, money, emotional labor, and repair. Clear limits reveal whether a partner meets you as an equal. Start with the NHS self-help hub and our in-depth Boundaries guide.
Grief underneath fixing
Many fixers carry ungrieved losses: a parent you couldn’t save, a partner you held together alone. Unprocessed grief keeps you repeating the role. Meeting grief—journaling, ritual, therapy—returns you to the present, where connection is mutual. Learn more about the practice.
A 6-question check-in for fixers (use weekly)
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What problem did I take on that wasn’t mine?
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What fear would setting a boundary make me face?
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If I chose authenticity over approval today, what would change?
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Where am I pretending I have no choice (bad faith)?
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What grief or anger needs space rather than a project?
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Which three values must our daily life honor—and how will I protect them?
Bottom line: Are you the fixer in relationships because fixing protects you from uncertainty? When you tolerate the anxiety of freedom, you can choose partnership over rescue—two adults meeting as equals.
